Let's Talk Adoption - Part 2
Since I'm home today with a sick kid I think I will finish my adoption thoughts. So, open or closed?? When I hear people talk about adoption (those who haven't a bloomin clue) the thought is overwhelmingly in favor of closed adoption vs open. Well, we have one of each and I can tell you...they both have pros and cons but if I had my choice I would choose open...no contest.
Flapjack's adoption is closed because he joined our family via the foster care system. We had actually closed our home to foster children (it had just become to tough) two days before we got the call about flapjack. The adoption worker didn't know our home was closed and she called to ask if we wanted our homestudy looked at for an infant born two weeks prior. Was she kidding??? We jumped at the chance. Flapjack has four siblings, all adopted, who had been through the foster care system so his casefile was daunting. Some of his family history was...well...overwhelming...but we felt from the first minute that this was meant to be. Flapjack joined our family at four months of age and we adopted him officially 8 months later. He has been "ours" from the day we met him.
I have met his birthmom and have one Polaroid of her holding flapjack. I have photocopies of pictures of his birthdad and a letter from him. I know their names and could find them if I tried. I actually think his birthmom still lives in the same town we live in. But due to safety reasons we have no contact and they don't know our names. Flapjack has trouble understanding this. When DQ gets letters and packages from her birthmom he wonders where his are. When DQ talks about calling her birthmom he wonders why he can't call his. When he asks questions like "Did my birthmom like chocolate" or "Did my birthdad like building stuff" I have no answers. We are blessed to have ongoing relationships with flapjack's brothers. But it isn't a substitute for a relationship with his birthparents. It hurts my heart that I can't give him what he wants. It also hurts me to know that someday I will have to explain the circumstances surrounding his adoption. Some stories just shouldn't be told and that is one of them. I dread that day but the time will come and he will deserve the truth. At least I can give him that.
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Who Am I?
Me
Gender: Female
Location: United States
About Me
I'm a wife, a mom, an educator and a normal (okay, relative term here) person who makes frequent mistakes. I have a lot to say, hence the blog. My kids were adopted as babies (one through an agency and one through the foster care system). I love to talk about adoption. My daughter has sensory issues as well as ADHD. I like to vent about parenting. I am occasionally rosy, usually blunt and sometimes I am simply downright rude. Don't read if it offends you. I may sometimes write about my school experiences so let me cover my bases. I don't live in your town, I don't work at your school, I am not talking about your child, you don't know me. If you think you've figured out who I am...ask me, I will lie and say you don't know me. email me at chocolatecoffeesleep@hotmail.com
Gender: Female
Location: United States
About Me
I'm a wife, a mom, an educator and a normal (okay, relative term here) person who makes frequent mistakes. I have a lot to say, hence the blog. My kids were adopted as babies (one through an agency and one through the foster care system). I love to talk about adoption. My daughter has sensory issues as well as ADHD. I like to vent about parenting. I am occasionally rosy, usually blunt and sometimes I am simply downright rude. Don't read if it offends you. I may sometimes write about my school experiences so let me cover my bases. I don't live in your town, I don't work at your school, I am not talking about your child, you don't know me. If you think you've figured out who I am...ask me, I will lie and say you don't know me. email me at chocolatecoffeesleep@hotmail.com
2 Leave a comment people!:
That just breaks my heart! It is a good chance to tell him how much the Lord loves him. God took him from a family who wasn't responsible and placed him safely with a family who loved him indescribably. Some children don't get that chance! He is carefully watched over and protected by Jesus, who loves him SO much!!
Have you ever read Ephesians 1:5 to your kids? That whole chapter (1) has blessed me so many times knowing God's heart behind adoption. I am forever grateful and excited to be 'adopted' with a purpose to honor the Lord. I now am able to recieve his inheritance because I am His child.
Same for flapjack...he is going to recieve the inheritance of your family's love, support, godliness, provision! It is a huge privilege! Flapjack was chosen! He was wanted! He was loved! Maybe he needs to be reminded of all of these wonderful things.
I respect you so much for the heart you have for children...especially your own.
Hey, Mary here, not so anonymously now.
My husband was adopted. Closed adoption. His mom was always very upset whenever he mentioned he wanted to find his birthmother. She felt betrayed.
So he and I quietly went about searching for her (only information we had was the adoption agency that did the adoption) for several years. We finally got a court-appointed mediator to find the birthmother.
Our youngest daughter is now 8. The search was in full swing during my pregnancy with her. When she was born, the mediator shared with us that she was getting close to contacting his birthmother. Heath was kind of excited. About a month later, we got the call (at his parents' house even) that birthmother had been found. In the previous month, the mediator had contacted the birthmother's family repeatedly, but couldn't talk to her. (She's out; she's sick; she's at the doctor; she's in the hospital, etc.) So Chris, the mediator, explained to Heath that she had finally been able to find out what was going on: his birthmother had died about a week earlier. She had spoken to the birthgrandmother and then an aunt. Grandmother wanted nothing to do with it; she completely rejected the possibility of finding out anything about him. But the aunt was adamantly for making contact. She said her sister had wanted to contact him but didn't know how to do it. (At this point, we had been searching, off and on without a huge financial investment, for about 6 years.) We were both disappointed. Heath was particularly upset about the grandmother's reaction.
In retrospect, I'm glad there was no contact. But it would have been nice for him to have been able to say thanks for giving me up for adoption. My mom and dad are the best. That's really all he wanted to say.
So, birthmothers and birthfathers are important. But what's most important is how much Mom and Dad love Flapjack -- that's the real deal.
Thanks for sharing this.
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