I have been thinking a lot lately about my kids' adoptions. I have a friend considering adopting and she has asked me tons of questions. Sometimes I'm not sure how honest to be. I don't want to scare her off...after all, look at my kids...they are precious. But man, adoption is tough and continues to be tough long after the paperwork is signed.

DQ knows her birthmom. We met DQ's birthparents and birthgrandparents before she was born. I spent hours and hours on the phone with K sharing our life stories and waiting for her to have DQ. When DQ was born she ended up in the NICU, something none of us expected. The fact that she was sick made it all that much more difficult. K changed her mind several times about the adoption. She called me at the hotel one night crying saying she just couldn't do it. I thought my heart would break but I told her it had to be her choice and she needed to be sure. The next morning she called again and said everything was fine...she was planning to place. On the day we signed papers it took her hours (with us waiting in the lobby of the adoption agency with her mom) of talking (to an agency worker) and crying before she signed the paperwork. We could hear her sobbing and we could hear DQ crying. I think K regretted signing the paperwork before the ink was even dry. It was gutwrenching to walk to the parking lot (all of us in tears) and drive away. It felt like I was stealing my child. We've kept in touch...sometimes more than I would like and sometimes less. (I'm sure K feels the same.) I hate it when people say...you're nicer (kinder, better, pick one) than I am, I would take that baby and run. No, you wouldn't. Not if you had witnessed the grief first hand that K felt. How could I not let her know what a wonder her/our daughter is? I need her to know how she has blessed us.

Lately DQ has wanted more contact. During her volleyball game yesterday she finally got a serve over the net for the first time. When she rotated out she leaned over and whispered, "Do you think K could come to one of my games." Ouch...honestly that hurt a bit...but I get it. She is proud of herself and wants K to be also. I offered to let her call and talk to her (she lives in another state) but she didn't think she wanted to.

For the first time this year I didn't send the annual report/pictures to the agency. We are supposed to send one in every year at Christmas...happy holidays...oh by the way, your kid has another set of parents out there. Also for the first time I didn't send a card and pictures to DQ's birthmom. Before you slam me for being inconsiderate, we are friends on facebook. She sees pics of DQ there and we message back and forth. It's not like I cut her off. I just didn't do it this year. So you know what happened?? She notified the agency...talked to the director...who suggested she call me and make sure I knew she didn't get them. This is the same director who has NO adopted children but made the comment that now that she was divorced and had shared custody she could empathize with birthparents who relinquished their parental rights...WHAT? Yeah, I don't think so.

So, sometimes, I wish my kids were simply that...mine. Not sharing dna with anyone else. Not having to wonder why they were placed for adoption or if their birthparents are proud of them. I wish I didn't worry that someday when my kids grow up they will decide life might have been better with a different set of parents...the "real" set.