Most moms have precious, joyous memories of the day their child was born. Seeing them for the first time, holding them for the first time, memorizing their little faces. My memories include some of those things...but they are also filled with sadness and grief. I try not to think back to that day except on DQ's birthday. Usually the joy of the day now tempers the feelings I have when I remember her birth. The day she was born went something like this:

7:00 am - The phone rings and it is K's mom telling us K is in labor! It is a Saturday so we are still sleeping but this call throws us in to high gear. We have to travel to a town 4 hours a way...we throw things into suitcases...get the already packed baby bag...try to get hotel reservations only to find there aren't many thanks to something going on in town. We finally secure reservations...start packing and the car and

7:30 am - The phone rings again. It is K's mom again and she says, "I really don't want to have to tell you this. (My heart sinks to my toes.) T (DQ's birthdad) doesn't want you at the hospital." I ask if we should even come at this point and she says yes, she thinks we should. I hear the hesitation in her voice. So we continue packing...much more slowly...with few words and we start the trip. We take our time, stopping for a long breakfast, stopping at a touristy town to window shop and buy fudge. We can't find our hotel and by the time we finally get checked in it is 3:00 pm. We unload and our hotel phone rings. It is K telling us DQ has been born and that T has had a change of heart...to come to the hospital. T is waiting in the parking lot when we get there. He tells us all is fine and the hospital knows it is an adoption. Then we learn DQ is in the NICU and there were some problems during the birth. We see K and her mom and then scrub in to see DQ for the first time. At this point it all seems surreal...it doesn't feel as if I am seeing my baby...I am just seeing 'a' baby. DQ is hooked to wires and leads and has an IV. The nurse is kind, she lets us watch her clean DQ up and we take pictures. She encourages us to touch DQ and talk to her. She makes a set of footprints for us. Then she asked what we plan to name her and says they will begin calling her by that name. I hesitate...because by now I am not sure...not sure if this is meant to be our baby...not sure what her name will really be. But I let it go.

5:00 pm - We leave the hospital and look for a place with one hour photo developing. We drop off our film and have dinner. I have no clue what we talked about. I remember being so excited and so scared all at the same time. The minute we matched with K it felt as this baby was ours...we walked in faith those few months...even when K said things that made me question her intent. Now those questions were all I could think about.

7:00 pm - We pick up pictures, hurry to the hotel and look at the pictures over and over. We memorize DQ's face and fingers and toes. We wonder if she will be in the hospital long. We wonder if she will have lasting effects from the birth. We both know it wouldn't matter...she has already won our hearts.

9:00 pm - The phone rings. It is K. She is crying. We talk for a long time and she tells me...she just can't do it. She's sorry...she feels terrible...but she just can't let us have her. I try to say the right things and I encourage her to be sure. Then I tell her she needs to call the agency worker and visit with her about her change of heart. I hang up the phone and burst into tears. We are up most of the night...crying, praying and staring into space. My heart feels hollow and broken. This was not how I envisioned this night would feel.

Obviously K changed her mind again. She actually changed it repeatedly over the course of the next few days and she never really reconciled with the fact that she did finally sign papers to allow us to adopt DQ. My daughter's very first birthday is one that I often wish I could simply redo...but if I did...I wouldn't have the incredible feelings of joy and thankfulness that I have every time I think back to that day. So today as I remember K and T and the sacrifice they made to allow us to be parents I am thankful to them...and I am so sad that they can't see what a precious child they made. We have no contact with T. I wish he knew how much DQ looked like him. I wish he could see how joyful she is and how she makes us laugh. Some days I wish K and T lived down the street and could see DQ often. Other days (okay, most days) I wish I had never met them and that DQ was only ours...but that is just not the way it is. Adoption is just not easy.